Real Cream in my Coffee...

Today I will have real full cream and real sugar in my coffee.

Such a simple statement to start the day with, but it makes a clear point to my frame of mind for the day. How many mornings do we jump (or limp, slither, or crawl on our hands and knees internally screaming "Nooooo!") out of bed, to be met with a self-induced mental list of things we have to do, shouldn't do, or ought to do. That becomes our mindset for the next 16-18 hours or so. I need to eat right today, I have to run errands, I must make my appointment on time, I really ought to be exercising. We so often frame ourselves with guilt from the moment we arise. Sure, it's great to be motivated to do things we know are good for us, but not because of guilt.

What if I start my day with praise for our Creator, then move on to focus on a simple pleasure, something to look forward to. I mean, after all, God didn't say to Adam and Eve "I made this world for you, you screwed up so you now have troubles. Go, don't enjoy any of it, and then you die." God is an AWESOME creator. He made this world for His pleasure, and for ours. How dishonoring to Him is it to not appreciate what He has made as we care for it?

I am speaking of moderation, of course. If I said ,"I will have full cream in my coffee, real butter on my toast, lay outside and watch the grass grow and listen to birds sing, chat with my friends on the phone for two hours, then indulge in shrimp with real Alfredo sauce followed by a chocolate lava cake, and I shall do this every day!" obviously that is not honoring to God. He has given us work to do, and He has given us life that we cannot earn, and rewards we are not worthy of. I long to wake up every morning seeing and knowing the true beauty that is life. Today I have it so good, great health and few worries. Tomorrow may not be that way. Rather than worry about what curve ball life may throw me in a day I may or may not have, I will appreciate today. I will laugh with my kids, cuddle with my husband, listen to some good music, see the beauty in the rain, and yes, I will have real cream and real sugar in my coffee.

Photo: Reflections

Homeschooling My Way

I have had to re-evaluate my curriculum multiple times this year - meaning just in the last month and a half. That can be more than slightly frustrating.

I've found that homeschooling can be compared to learning about photography. The more you do it, the more insight you gain and the better your results, and yet the more questions arise. You suddenly start seeing all of the possibilities with their various outcomes and are constantly questioning if you're making the right choice. If I use this curriculum, they will get a great education, but will it be as fun as this other one? Or will it even be as rich as that one? Will they be introduced to enough classic literature, allowed to be creative, or enabled to self-explore their curiosity adequately? It is known that a child who is allowed freedom to explore will learn to love learning and will be far more successful in their education than those who are told to sit still and listen to rote.

Along with the options of curriculum, I am constantly readjusting to my child's capability at that time. What is their attention span? What are their interests? How can I make required subjects interesting if that doesn't naturally fall into their realm of fascination? I have tried the route of "You will sit down and learn this because that's what you'd have to do in school", only to be met with eyes and an attitude that explicitly tell me they consider that time with me miserable torture. It is an expression that reminds me so well of my own time spent in public school, and not of the reasons I so willingly embraced the decision to homeschool. I can do better than making our every day a power struggle. I can make it fun, and interesting, and something we all want to engage in. And I can do it without going insane.

That last denominator being said, I must also realize how much energy it takes to teach my children in this way. It is a matter of shifts and balances, constantly. You can have a plan, but you better be flexible. And realize what a full-time job it is.

Yesterday morning we awoke, I thought of my curriculum plan for the day, mentally tossed it in the trash can and said "Let's go to the zoo!". Met with excited happy faces, we hopped in the car and drove to Chattanooga Zoo. They played their Leapsters all the way up (which do actually have educational value). Through the zoo we read where every animal came from, discussing the continents and the animals' eating habits. We then went for lunch at a mall, which was a new experience for them since the youngest could only ever recall having been in a mall once. Following that, we went to McKay's Used Book Store where they both sat and read books for over an hour while I searched for books on my list for an upcoming school project on Caldecott Medal winners. After that we travelled home, having found several used Leapster games at McKay's and they continued math and language arts practice using those. It was an amazingly fun day filled with wonderful memories, perfect weather, and good, quality education. And the best part was, they had no idea that we were "doing school" at all. :)

Photograph: My Girls

What's in Your Yard?

Recently I have realized (for the 50th time) that my plate is too full. This time is different, however. I have gotten to the root of why I keep over-filling my plate. In an effort to gain approval and acceptance, I so often take on jobs that are asked of me, or even just offered. There has been a great empty space in me that I keep attempting to fill. A chasm of inadequacy, a continual desire to be told I am worthy of breathing air on this planet.

Most of my relationships, I realize now, have been based on this emptiness. I have used friends and family constantly to make me feel valuable, and I am always open to a serious decline in value should I not receive a quantifying response. I have used other people as a measuring stick of my worth.

Recently I have reassessed my gauges. I have reorganized my yard and begun to set clear boundaries as to what I allow to affect that yard. I am building stronger fences in between those relationships which leave me the most vulnerable, and in the process, I am able to more clearly see the beauty of what God has given me to care for. He created a garden just for me to tend and I am learning to not allow my energies to be drained by others, whether by their doing or my own. For that only leaves me with an empty cup at the end of the day from which to pull my resources.

Any projects that I take on should be done joyfully out of an abundance of wholeness, rather than an attempt to fill an emptiness. I am learning to open up these dark, empty spaces in myself so that the Spirit may enter and work me toward fullness. He is the only way to a whole and healthy place, the only truth and the only life.

Photograph: The Boathouse

Wholeness, not Hole-ness

In the bible it states on several occasions that God will punish those who turn away from him to the 3rd and 4th generations. I have wondered, in the past, how this was fair.

I now believe that God may have been saying that if we turn away from him, we will consequently punish our children for several generations to come. Take for example, a man who turns to drink, beats his wife and abuses his daughter. This daughter then seeks destructive relationships as she matures, constantly seeking approval from father-like figures. Her son, grows up in insecure environments with no good example for relationships turns to drugs as a means of escapism from the pain he cannot describe, let alone talk about. Sounds like something purely for Geraldo? Hardly. While these extremes may not be the norm, more subtle variations exist in almost every family, and the progression can only be halted by the one invariable truth. And that is in discovering who we are in Christ Jesus. When we are able to deeply and fully understand what we are to God, in spite of what we were to our parents, that is when true healing and wholeness take place. It may seem like a slow process, but when you become obedient to God, following the teachings of Jesus, following his counsel, something amazing happens. You come to a point when you can let go of the choking entanglement of untruths that held you away from God, that led you to believe you are worthless. When you can ignore the calls of humans declaring what must be done to be better, live successfully, find happiness, and follow the Word, you suddenly begin to understand scripture. You know in your very soul what it means to declare that the Truth has set you free.

There is nothing I can say to explain this fully. It is faith, pure and simple. You can't ask for proof to believe it. You have to begin with believing it, and then the proof begins to be revealed...one small step at a time.

Photograph: Innocence

Onward and upward and into the night,

The dreams I create rise from within my soul.

A flash of darkness, I dodge and drown,

But the reality lifts me on wings so high.

How can they know without understanding?

Does it matter, in the end, if they see my path?

All I know is who abides there, who is in control,

And the peace, and the love...oh, and the love.

There is power in this surrender,

And a passion which still waits to be fully released.

All is well, in this space, for it is His.

Photograph: Antioxidants

Thoughts for the day:

1. Don't force His will. I am not in control.

2. Don't punish myself for my short comings. He will give me everything I need to fulfill His plan.

3. Don't boast on my gifts. He has given me every tool I have for His purpose.

4. Love myself. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

5. Love others. Jesus teaches this above all else.

6. Don't worry about whether or not I'm doing enough for Him. He will call me in His time.

7. Do not be concerned whether others approve of this philosophy. Jesus is my friend and my counsellor and will heal and fill my heart.

8. Relax, be at peace with who I am, who I was made to be and who I am becoming. Succumb to Him in all things, consult Him in all things and seek Him in all things. He is the answer.

Photograph: Feeling Blue

Most of my people don't understand me.

Sometimes being yourself can be a very lonely place. I'm finding that while wrestling to find their own selves, people often inflect those thoughts and ideas onto those around them. I don't think it's a conscience decision to judge another, I think it's more the notion that it's okay to be yourself and have those thoughts and feelings if others around you think and feel the same.

So, what happens if they're not? What if they are growing in a totally different direction? If someone you meet is already very different, you either choose to keep your distance or to accept them as they are. But, what if someone you've grown close to changes? What if, for good or bad, their life starts taking different turns? We try to pull them back. We seem almost frightened at the idea of losing that bond and so, we continue to search for the common ground and tweak back the differences. We begin stating our case, making assumptions, transmitting our own feelings about consequences of those changes. This may not support the person in their growth, but may leave them feeling judged and drive in a wedge. Quite often we continue to love the person, but mourn the loss of the relationship as it was. But then again, maybe this role as an antagonist is all part of the lesson.

God has a journey for all of us. If we follow Him, He will lead us there. The hardest lessons come with the hardest experiences and trying to protect those we love by holding ourselves back is usually detrimental.

And I will follow...I will choose that path. Despite the intangibility of a physical presence, I know Jesus is there with me. I feel it in my very being. I may feel lonely at times, but I feel awesome, to become myself, accept myself, for what I am and also, for what I am not. I pray that I can love others equally, for what they are, and what they are not, for what they become, and what they do not. I feel more changes are on their way...and they are HUGE. I may not be ready, but I am being prepared, and I am willing...

Flash and a Shell

So, I've had a Nikon SB26 for close to 15 years now, and received a snazzy new SB800 last Christmas. Both of these flash units have driven me crazy. I have been trying repeatedly to get them to work correctly, and also to give pleasing results, which I know they have a full capability of. After chatting with a friend (thanks Vince!), and my wonderful hubby, and doing some more research, I finally took the time, again, to work with these units today. A super simple subject on an even simpler background.

So, finally I get the units where they are exposing correctly, but my light quality and results are far less than blech:


After tweaking a few more settings, I'm finally getting a bit of drama:

An attempt at backlighting and now I'm getting some texture:


Throw in the second unit and my results are getting more desirable:


I think I'm finally starting to figure out how to work these things. My technique definitely needs some finessing, but I am at least hopeful!

Now that I've figured some of the technical stuff, I can finally play a bit. Get out the gels!


Next on my list is to try and get some good portraits out of them, but I'm thinking I still need a lot of work. Regardless, my subjects are definitely worth it!

I don't get it

In today's society, it seems, that success is measured by your "stuff". House, car, entertainment equipment, the vacations you take, the kind of computer you use...it's all your "stuff". This is no new concept, right? He who has the most stuff wins, or something like that.

Even biblically speaking, God "blessed" certain people with great wealth. Take Abraham, for example. He had oodles of "stuff". Job, got stuff, it was taken away, but he got more...thus...God blessed Him through his faithfulness.

But here's something. We have to take care of our "stuff", yeah? Because God gave it to us, so we must now care for that which He has trusted us with. So, you buy more stuff that you need to take care of the stuff. Ride on lawn mower, storage boxes, the latest cleaning equipment guaranteed to make your life simpler, freezer dinners microwaveable in 5 minutes flat so you'll have time to enjoy your "stuff". At some point you realize that you are now a slave to your "stuff". You work all day to afford it and keep it, you arrange your time to enjoy it, you spend your money and energy maintaining it. When, then, do you serve the Lord? "Sorry, I can't help with this ministry because my car needs washing/house needs cleaning/ipod needs uploading/blog needs updating, plus I just don't have the extra cash."

Stuff can be a burden, my friends. And we're encouraging our children by filling their lives with "stuff" too. If we get rid of our stuff, we feel like we're refusing a blessing. Or maybe we know it's not really a blessing, but a choice we made and now we feel we can't go back. Some of us may even live very frugally and simply, but still feel unable to find time for the work of the Lord, or even for a relationship with God. Could stuff be a false God? Oh yeah. Do we manage to convince ourselves that we're being wise by storing stuff? You bet.

The next time I walk into some Super-Mega-Store and am tempted by all the stuff I just have to have, I want to be reminded of the chaos of my home and the clutter that is now my life, and of the opportunities I have missed to help others because I was too busy with my "stuff". How many Target receipts must I collect before the wisdom of what really matters to God seeps into my brain. Because it sure as heck ain't gonna hit me through a new and improved Swiffer or the latest Blackberry model.

Faith

I've had a few phrases strike me strongly recently:

Don't be a thermometer, be a thermostat (Joel Osteen)

If God is for a person, who can stand against them? (rough interpretation)

The GPS solution when waiting for God: Gratitude for His past faithfulness, Persistence in prayer, Surrender to His will (from Northpoint Ministries podcast).

Image: Always Half Full